Holding Onto Hope

"You should get a puppy, Mom."

I stared at my son, Harry, slightly bewildered as I fumbled with my chopsticks. I love our monthly dinner, bonding over bowls of ramen. He stirred the broth and looked squarely into my eyes.

"It'd be good for you."

I considered this idea for a second...and understand the logic. It tracks .The last three years have been daunting as our family continues to grieve the loss of my son, Hayden. Harry and his brother, Dexter, are so loving and supportive. I've watched them navigate their own tsunami of grief while also being intensely concerned about their parents. Tim and I have been through a lot and...a puppy would bring fresh oxygen to our lives.

Sometimes I reflect back to our naivety on June 28,2022, the day before our world blew up.

We were the busy Carharts, all going about our day, unaware of the devastating blow that was about to forever change the landscape of our lives. It shook our family to the core. The loss of a child leaves a gaping hole in your heart. This has been a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. That is the only way to describe it. I pray, meditate and practice faith to continue on.

Our family 'circled the wagons' and pulled together to heal and comfort one another.

When my 16 year old dog, Sitka, passed away in mid-July, I knew it could re-trigger my grief. I hastily decided I would not be getting another dog because Sitka was just so special. I know everyone says that about their dog, but she was exceptional. Before I rescued her, she spent the first five years of her life on the streets of Thousand Oaks with an un-housed family whose little girl carried the dog around like a baby. When the family could no longer afford to feed her, they surrendered her to a shelter. Over the years, I've thought of that family and their sacrifice and how sad it must have been to give up their beloved pet. It was obvious to me that Sitka had been oh so loved. She was incredibly sweet, well trained and grateful. She never misbehaved. She didn't know what a toy was and played with pop bottle lids. She was 100% sweetness and fiercely loyal. She would fall asleep with one eye on me.

Without Sitka, the house was lonely, sad and quiet. Several times I caught myself holding doors and waiting for her, momentarily forgetting she was gone. I missed our evening walks with friends and our visits to the local dog park. There was an 'impending wave of doom' shaping itself around me and I could feel it.

As a Grief Educator, I'm aware of the risk of slipping back into the depths of acute grief. Fresh new grief can trigger acute grief. Three years ago, my days were filled with panic attacks served up with a hefty side of depression. Acute grief is the most potent and uncomfortable stage of processing the loss of a loved one. It is a MONSTER. It was a long extended painful stretch of time and it took a lot of work to release its strong grip on my life. There are still days where I have to place my 'finger in the dam' and hold it all back. It's my way of saying:"Not today, Grief." When Sitka passed, I placed my finger in the dam because grief and depression were insidiously slipping back in.

Tim and I discussed fostering a dog, deciding this might be a healthy option, so we visited Eastwood Ranch Foundation in Agoura Hills where a young volunteer eagerly walked us through to see the available candidates. Seeing the older dogs stirred an unexpected wave of guilt. Sitka and I had been through a lot over the last year when she lost her eyesight and went deaf. At the end of the tour, we were shown a welping station where a young white Maltese was fussing over a small litter of puppies. While the other puppies stayed close to the mother, one dark little fuzz ball came prancing up to me, wagging her tail and it was love at first site.

"Her name is Hope", the volunteer said.

"Of course it is." I thought.

That evening, I filled out the application to adopt the puppy and the feeling of impending doom immediately disappeared. I'm very excited to receive her and there is an ease in my life that I haven't experienced for quite some time. In this day and age, where basic human decency is gone and kindness is considered a fault or weakness, a little bit of hope goes a long way. xoxoLori

In Memory of Sitka